I’ve fallen off the proverbial wagon,
Or been run over. Which ever way I chose to look at it, well I’m back, after a long stint in moody funk land. Yes that’s planet Jana, the planet that self absorbs it’s surroundings. Ok, I’m kind of making fun of myself.
While this past winter was mild, I still had trouble escaping the January/February slump I often experience. I realize this is common for so many humans. Toby my now 10 month old puppy is my daily motivation to get up and take a walk. Honestly, I am not depressed, I have been depressed and this is not the same at all. I have yet to identify this mood or feeling with a word. I am at a loss as to how to describe what I have been feeling for sometime. I feel as though I have lost my way, or I am off track. I have no idea how to get back on track or even which track to follow.
What do I want you ask? Well I have been asking myself what I want for a few years now, and to answer your question, I still have no idea. None. This is why I feel stuck. How do you move forward when you have no where in particular you want to go?
I am finding keeping my positivity up has been a challenge. It used to come so naturally to me, being positive, seeing the bright side. Lately it feels more like work to stay positive. So when a friend says to me “You really do see the positive in everything, don’t you.” I have to remember to take that a keep it close to my heart.
I must say, Toby, has been my joy in everyday life. I feel myself changing constantly now, even though my mind keeps telling me I am stagnant. It reminds me consistently that we are not meeting our expectations, especially since we just turned 36 this year. What have we been doing? My brain asks me everyday. Ok, I have never succummed to “age” matters, yet suddenly I have. Sheesh, I know how silly it is yet it nabbed me.
As for the changes I feel in me, well they too are hard to describe. I have been physically living in one place for three years now. When I arrived I was gung ho on everything. I hungered for knowledge, spiritual experiences, I worked my body physically in order to exhaust my brain enough to give my body a break so it could rest. Over these past three years I feel myself slowing and slowing down. Sometimes it is hard for me to keep up with Toby. Though he does wait for me or come back to meet me when we go for walks.
The biggest change I have noticed is the desire not to “do.” I feel frustrated because I lack the motivation I am so accustomed to having, or do I lack the motivation? Do I still have the motivation but it has changed and my thoughts say that my motivation is gone? Could it be that I have fallen back a victim of my thoughts? Likely the answer is yes. Though until just now I did not see it this way. My thoughts said I was just being lazy, good for nothing lazy. Hmm, just when you “think” you are overcoming your thoughts running your life, wham! They still got you. Thank you for the reality check once again.
Even though I have been feeling at a loss for direction or meaning at least I know that everyday Toby reminds me to feel love and joy. Even if it is only for a moment. He keeps me going. What would I do with out my friend? Carry on, that is what I would do. How grateful I am that I get to have Toby assist me in carrying on.
Love and hugs to you my friends,
Jana and Toby
